He gives and takes away

I am the very proud mother of four children - one son and three daughters.  My oldest daughter, Alyssa, left us 22 years ago quite unexpectedly.  She has celebrated every one of her birthdays in heaven, including today.

This day is usually quite emotional for me, but it's also really necessary in the grief journey.  I don't know if people always understand that.  These "anniversary" days tend to make most people uncomfortable.  They don't know what to say, and they certainly don't know what to do with your emotion.  (By the way, a simple acknowledgement that you remember means more than you know.)

I worried that today would be harder than usual because I had been doing so well in the days leading up to it.  Typically, I struggle more with the anticipation of the day than the day itself.  So I figured I would be a mess today, but it hasn't been too bad.

Being the ever-questioning type, I wondered why.  I started thinking about what was different in the past year, and I realized something really cool.  God has been bringing some young women into my life, all very close to Alyssa's age.  These women are allowing me to share motherly and godly wisdom with them and to walk alongside them in their 20-something struggles.  I even have one living in my house!  It's easing the loss and blessing me in a way I never imagined.  As the song goes, "He gives and takes away."  And as usual, God always gives more than He takes.

I did shed some tears today, though they were happy ones.  I was in the car, listening to my favorite band, and this song came on.  It is a beautiful song which always moves me, but today it took on a whole new meaning...

Always (Switchfoot)


This is the star, this is your heart
This is the day you were born
This is the sun, these are your lungs
This is the day you were born

And I am always, always, always yours
And I am always, always, always yours

These are the scars deep in your heart
This is the place you were born
And this is the hole where most of your soul comes ripping out
From the places you've been torn

And it is always, always, always yours
And I am always, I'm always, I'm always yours

Hallelujah, I'm caving in
Hallelujah, I'm in love again
Hallelujah, I'm a wretched man
Hallelujah, every breath is a second chance, yeah

And it is always, always, always yours
And I am always, I'm always, always yours
Always, always, I'm always yours, I'm yours
Always, always, I am always yours